“Have courage, and be kind.” – This is a famous quote from the Cinderella movie. Most of us excel at being kind to others, but we often struggle with having courage in many situations, especially the courage to be disliked. I am one of those people.

I Want Your Attention, Mom

I am the middle child of three siblings. In my eyes, my elder sister always gets what she wants, and my younger sister has the worst temper but is my father’s favourite child. I feel like the middle child that no one cares about, so I have tried many ways to get the attention I desire.

Some kids act playful, naughty, and create problems to get their parents’ attention. I am the opposite. I want to be the smart, multi-talented, and well-behaved child who is likable to everyone and makes my parents proud.

So, I studied very hard. While other kids are forced by their parents to attend tuition classes, I requested my parents to sign me up for them. I found ways to prove to my parents that I am worthy of their love and attention. I always agreed to help my mom with house chores when my sisters hid themselves in their bedrooms. However, the results didn’t turn out as I expected; I still felt that I didn’t receive the attention I desired.

I started to hate living in this house and even packed my bag to study far away from home. I victimised myself for being unlucky and born into the wrong family. I never spoke about my true feelings to my parents, and these emotions piled up inside me like a ticking bomb. And you guessed it right—one day, it exploded. I cried my eyes out and furiously expressed all the frustration and dissatisfaction I had hidden for years. In a highly emotional state, I said things that hurt them deeply.

In my parents’ eyes, I am the well-behaved child. They see me as more sensible compared to my sisters, which is why they pay less attention to me. They love me but don’t express it in a way that I understand. I want to hear their praises; I want words of affirmation; I want them to say that I am the child they are proud of. Instead, they show their love by preparing meals for me, sending only me to expensive Cambridge English classes, giving me the freedom to travel overseas with my friends, and buying me nicer clothes than my sisters during Chinese New Year. The heart-to-heart talk was full of emotions and realisations: actually, I am always loved.

I finally got the answers I needed after 26 years. However, during these 26 years, a habit developed in me—the habit of fulfilling or even exceeding others’ expectations of me to gain their attention and admiration. In simple terms, I have become habitually kind to everyone and strive to be likable.

Not Everyone Deserve Your Kindness

Naively, I thought that by being sincere and kind, everyone would like me back. I am always agreeable to decisions made by others; I follow their ways of doing things even when I am not comfortable with them; I do not take sides during arguments; and I hide my negative emotions from others because I believe that it will make me look bad.

From school to work, I carried the same habit, and I wondered why I couldn’t make many friends or impress clients. The truth is, no one cares. Humans are naturally selfish, and that’s a fact. Everyone acts based on intentions that only they know. My intention is to be likable, which is why I choose to be kind to everyone. Their intention might be to get the benefits they want, and I am a pushover, which is why they choose to stick around.

I am not saying that we should not trust anyone; rather, we should trust but verify. Oftentimes, time will reveal everything.

The Courage to Be Disliked

After living for 26 years, I have only just realised that I was living in a fairy tale—a fairy tale created by society to make me believe that I am a sheep and should be indifferent. It takes a lot of courage to break through this mindset and to have the courage to be disliked, especially after experiencing a traumatic incident when I was in primary school. I feared that if I voiced my true feelings (I admit my mistake; I did it rudely last time), and I would end up being disliked or, even worse, boycotted by everyone else.

The first step in building this courage is self-acknowledgment of my worth. I have been used to longing for my parents’ praise to prove that I am worthy of love. I went the extra mile in almost everything, fuelled by the desire to receive compliments, often ending up too tired. Now, I am telling myself that my existence is already enough. I do not need validation from others to prove my worthiness.

The next step is setting boundaries. I have always lowered my boundaries in favour of others’ preferences and ignored the negative emotions within me. I didn’t realise that those emotions were signalling that I was not okay. I chose to suppress myself and stayed silent. The time bomb was building up again. One important lesson I learned this year is the power of saying no. I am learning to make my boundaries clear.

The third step is cutting off people that I don’t like—people who take advantage of me, people who stick around because I am easy to manipulate, and people who come to me with bad intentions. How do I know who they are? It’s when I feel unexcited to meet them, and when I am with them, my energy drops to its lowest or I often fall sick. I make the difficult decision to unfriend, unfollow, and block their numbers.

Be Kinder to Yourself

Our human bodies are very honest. We just need to look inward and listen to them. We are used to being kind to others but not to ourselves. Now, let’s choose to be kinder to ourselves.

I put a lot of stress on myself, often torturing myself by filtering my true feelings. I think a lot but speak very little. I choose my words carefully, sugarcoating my sentences so that I won’t offend others. Oftentimes, the words that come out of my mouth don’t represent my true feelings. We speak the truth, but still in a polite, professional, and non-hurtful way. It all comes down to how we deliver the message.

Be kind, but not too kind.

May you and I stay true to ourselves and find souls who accept us as we are.

(Side note: I gained a lot of inspiration for my article from the book titled “Love for Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself in a World Striving for Perfection,” written by Haemin Sunim. I recommend reading this book if you are struggling to love yourself, just like I am.)

 

Love,
Jia Xin